Cesare's Sonnet For Lucrezia
by 50251sid
Summary: Cesare tries to make it up to Lucrezia for his dumb decision.


_When I behold my lady's face, so fair,_

_I weep salt tears and cry "O lackaday!"_

_My suit unto her I must never pay._

_Oh bitter, bitter fate! I may not dare_

_Reveal my love for her, or ever share_

_The longings of my soul. No! They must stay_

_Within my breast, forever locked away._

_I may not sigh, lest I be seen to care._

_Although for grief I fear my heart may break,_

_Yet by her side I vow to e'er remain,_

_Her faithful servant bound to her for life,_

_And in her presence smile and strive to make_

_Her heart be light, and chase away her pain._

_In silence bear my own, sharp as a knife._

Cesare sent a minstrel to sing his words to Lucrezia.

Although his intentions had been of the kindest, he had wounded her when he lifted her hand from his knee and strode away, to France, to Charlotte, and left her in the dust and ashes of the love she had held out to him with both hands.

It was best for her, he told himself, that he push her into Alfonso's arms and away from his own.

When it was just he burning for her, he could manage (barely manage) to keep control of himself. What was the harm in tumbling with her on the grass in her mother's garden, pressing his body down onto hers? Of course, he embraced her. He even kissed her. They were an affectionate family. And when he stood towering over her, his arms tightly wound about her, he was merely being protective. When he tilted her chin up so that he could gaze into her wide blue eyes… indeed, what was the harm?

Well, yes, there had been times when his desires had gotten the better of him and he embraced her too tightly and for too long. When he kissed her mouth instead of her cheek. When his hand brushed against her breast. When he had to turn away from her to conceal his state of arousal. But these moments, he told himself, were not that frequent, and only he understood them. Lucrezia was still an innocent child and had no idea of the nature of the immoral love her brother carried for her. Although his behavior may have seemed sometimes inexplicable to her, she trusted him without question and thought no more on it. So no harm was done.

But then came that day, that damnable day, when Lucrezia came to him while he was being fitted for new French armor. Terrified that the king of Naples intended to forbid her from bringing her son Giovanni with her after her marriage to Alfonso, Lucrezia had come to beg Cesare to be especially adamant about the issue when he negotiated her dowry. She had been so beautiful, so winsome. He had teased her gently about exchanging one love for another, and her acknowledgement of her sadness at having to trade him for Alfonso stung his soul. He had tilted her chin up and kissed her mouth then, wantonly, with parted lips, and his kiss had left them both gasping. He had covered up his discomfort by pretending to be unable to get out of the armor and requiring the artisans to come and release him.

He realized later that it all began from that incident. He had had a moment of weakness, but Lucrezia was no longer an innocent. This Lucrezia understood exactly what was happening.

Nothing but disaster followed. Sweet disaster, granted, but still iniquity and degradation. She had come to him in his bed and he could not resist her. It was as simple and as weighty as that. He, who had striven for all of Lucrezia's life to protect her and keep her innocent, was the very instrument of her fall from heaven's grace. He should have prevented it. He should have somehow dissuaded her. But she vibrated with passion, and her body…ah, her body!...lush and soft, her breast points firm and wanting him….her red lips parted and glistening….her hands stroking and caressing…him moving her onto his lap and she sliding down onto his…him filling her and letting her rock her belly against his until he…

He shook his head to clear away the guilt-ridden memory.

Her face, so glowing and expectant on the morning after, disintegrated into anguish. And he had done that to her too. She did not understand how it killed him to leave her. But he had to. They had gone too far and he had to flee, to retreat behind a smoke screen until passions, hers and his, cooled down.

She would find consolation in Alfonso's arms. He was a good man, kind and virtuous. He would cherish Lucrezia and she would be happy. Cesare was sure of that. He himself would find gratification in negotiations with France, and in the bed of a French bride. His own woman, one with whom he could freely live and love, have children and keep his honor.

At least, that was his intent…

The French negotiations were spectacularly successful. He achieved his desire for an army. Ten thousand men stood at attention and pounded their shields in salute as he passed among them. His nostrils flared and his chest swelled with pride, straining his breastplate.

The French bride…well, that was another matter. Charlotte was beautiful, well-born and amiable. He pleased her very well, and she liked being the Duchess of Valentinois. She deserved his love. Or at least his affection. He could give her neither. It wasn't her fault, but she was not Lucrezia, the wife of his heart.

He stayed with Charlotte just long enough to satisfy convention, and then took off for home.

Boyishly eager, burning with love, he had rushed to Lucrezia in Naples, catching her in his fervent arms. She stiffened, smiled cooly and merely kissed his cheek, even though they were alone.

"I am pleased to see you, Brother. Your journey to France seems to have brought you all you desire."

"Lucrezia, my love! You are my desire. My only desire."

She brought her fingers to his lips to silence him.

"You may not speak to me in that manner, Cesare Borgia. I am your sister, and the wife of Alfonso d'Aragona. Your words are sinful, indeed."

Shock slackened his jaw. He caught her hand in his and pressed it to his cheek.

"Lucrezia, my love. I was wrong to leave you. I know that now. You are the only woman I can ever love. Kiss me, and let me atone for having been so cruel to you."

"You were right to leave me, Brother. We sinned very gravely. That is all in the past now. I love my husband. My life is in Naples now. My child is here with me. I have everything I need."

He kissed her fingers. "Everything?"

Her smile was icy. "Almost everything."

Astounded, Cesare realized that Lucrezia had taken him at his word and moved on with her life. She was letting him know, too, that she intended to make him pay for having wounded her. She was a Borgia; she would have blood.

Cesare Borgia, the most dreaded man on Earth, titan on the battlefield, ruthless plotter of strategies, unflinching when robbing men of their lives with sword or dagger or garrote, stood defenseless before this tiny woman.

To win back her love, he would gladly bleed for her.

Cesare's minstrel reported that the Lady Lucrezia had clapped with delight when he had sung her brother's sonnet for her in her chamber.

"Please thank the Duke for his song and ask him to attend upon me at a time convenient for him."

Cesare went to her at once.

"Brother, your song was lovely, but should you not be sending such sentiments to your wife instead?"

"Lucrezia, I…"

"Send words of affection to a sister, but surely not words of longing and desire. It is not fitting."

So she would make him grovel. Well, he would grovel.

"You are taking pleasure in making me suffer. I deserve it. Although my intentions were of the best, I behaved stupidly and cruelly towards you. Forgive me, I entreat you. I will never make such a blunder again."

"What blunder? You merely reminded me that love such as I held for you has no place in your life. What a fool I must have seemed to you! How you must have despised me for tempting you into sin."

"Lucrezia, please! Have mercy on the man who loves you more than any other man could. Who loves you and no other woman."

"No other woman? Have you not a wife?"

"I do not love her. Did you love Giovanni Sforza? I did what I had to do, just as you did."

"You must have some affection for her. Did you not consummate your marriage twice before dinner and six times after? Father read the account of it to all the cardinals. I have never seen him so proud."

"Charlotte's body was merely a canvas which I used to paint a picture to impress the French king, to show him the kind of man with whom he was dealing. I would never have held you up thus as an object of coarse public gossip.

"You took no pleasure in it?"

"No more than any animal would in a simple carnal function. She served a purpose. I would never treat you in such a way."

"Oh? How would you treat me, Brother?"

Cesare dropped to his knees before Lucrezia and flung his arms around her waist.

"As a penitent pilgrim before a sacred shrine. As my goddess. As your lover. Forgive me, Lucrezia, I beg you."

He pressed his face against her bosom. "Look at me, my love. Look at me and see the man who is desolate without you."

She stroked his beautiful dark hair. "Is it so, Cesare? Do you truly love me?"

"My love, my love. Can you not see that?"

"Stand up, my dearest. Look at me."

Lightheaded with elation, he swayed a little when he arose, but she caught him by his black doublet and pulled him close to her. Her lips quivered.

"You broke my heart, Cesare. I gave myself to you and you threw me away."

"My love, I was a fool. I thought it best that I withdraw from your life and let you go on."

"Cesare, I cannot live without you. It is as simple as that."

'I will never leave you again, I swear. For I cannot live without you either."

"Then you will keep me as your own? You will lie with me and give me your child?"

She pressed his hand to her belly.

"Is that your wish? To have my child?"

"Do I shock you?"

"No, my dearest. You delight me. I truly want no children but the ones you give me."

"You would allow me more than one?"

"As many as we can make. Shall we start now?"

"Humor me, my love. I have a plan I would see play out."

She summoned her maidservant.

"Constanza, I will be entertaining the Duke in my chambers this evening. He will be doing some hunting tomorrow, so we need to fortify him. Please tell the kitchen that I want dinner sent here. Meat. Bloody rare. Oysters. Lots of them. And wine. Strong red wine. After it arrives, send the minstrel to me and tell him I want him to sing again the sonnet he brought me earlier. Tell the kitchen not to rush. We will not be hungry until much later."

When the maid had departed, Lucrezia turned to Cesare.

"Now you must play out your part."

"And what is that, my love?"

Lucrezia smiled wickedly.

"You must make love to me three times before dinner and seven times afterwards."

Cesare grinned. "I think I can manage that."


End file.
